Þetta er fyrir þig • αυτό είναι για σένα • This is for you
Standing in the middle of nowhere, icy wind blowing in my face and sneaking under the light green sweater I borrowed, feeling just perfectly fine – at the right place and absolutely on cue. Slowly I’m starting to walk, head bent, hands in the pockets and thinking about how lucky I am to be on this wonderful island far north. Thinking about you and the other island, far away and more south. Acutally, neither this nor the other island is my home.
My home is in a small country in the heart of Europe. Nevertheless, that’s a matter of opinion, as I learned, because there are some people they are profoundly convinced, that the heart of Europe lies in a quite different part of the world. To be precise, especially one person is telling me this again and again, questioned or not. Sure is, if you cast a proper glance on a map, there it is, outlined in the shaped of a pig and in the center of Europe, my home country. However, this is where I’m coming from.
But, and most of the time there is a «but», I feel more livid, more inspired and much more myself on both the islands – be it the one or the other. There are friends on both of them, there are surroundings, which I always long for – and there is love, at least on one of the islands.
So I’m walking, thinking and stomp towards the wind, which has decided to get stronger and stronger. Soon enough I must surrender an turn my back against the powerful blasts of air. Immediately the view is changing and allows me an insight into this endless vastness, covered with solidified lava and small trees, or rather bushes, wrapped in yellow leaves. With every squall the whole sky is filled with whirling leaves and for a moment it looks like a golden rain is falling down to earth. I love it!
With big steps I walk towards my shelter, high up on the hill, huge and drenched in warm light. It feels like home, even if this is only a wish, which now and then comes true. For me it will always be the place where I can breathe and calm down, the place where the light is and where I can dream.
An hour later I find myself sitting in a chair behind the big window, looking out into the storm, wrapped in the light green sweater, which I refuse to take off since days, maybe weeks. It’s ridiculous, I know, but take it off feels like you have abandoned me. Yes, you are allowed to laugh, I actually can hear your laugh! But that’s how it is. She is wearing green again, I hear them say, be it up here or back home. Green, light green or what, they are teasing me, but it is not bothering me. Thinking about the way I got it puts a smile on my face, again and again. Reminds me also of the day I’ve seen you for the first time.
The night was windy then, not like here up north, but stinging cold, some single raindrops were flying around and I was bone-tired and grumpy. I just wanted to disappear to a warm and cosy restaurant nearby and have something to drink with alcohol, a lot of alcohol, to be honest. But there were the other three. They made me meeting you and I was disappointed about that. But, and most of the time there is a «but», you stepped out into the dark street and you did it backwards. I will never forget about this tiny detail. You walked backwards into the dark street, took a questioning look at the four of us, still with your cell phone in your hand. The first thing I noticed about you was your woolen pullover and your boots. You had old leather boots on your feet and I loved them on the spot. Oh yes, I know, this is kind of embarrassing and ridiculous again, but this is exactly how I saw you for the first time. A bit later and after a proper conversation about all the business matters, I was already lost. Your sparkling eyes, the jokes you made and the pictures on the wall in your office – I coulden’t imagine to be on a better place on earth. When you actually said good bye and shaked my hand – ok, what should I say?
Couldn’t get you out of my mind. Working together from different parts on this planet, hearing your voice now and then and finally having some hours just the two of us was the story to go. When I left you on the other island a few months ago, you gave me this light green sweater. Your smell on it, I almost never had a day without it since.
The other island, not this one I’m on now. You are on the other island in the south, I’m in the north, but my homebase is in the middle. Sitting here in this beautiful house with this unique view over the lava field, the glacier in the background and all the clouds in odd curved shapes, I’m able to think about all that. Thinking about how everything has changed, about what this really means for me. Let’s just take the time we have, you said. Enjoy the moment and feel free to decide where it goes, I said. Sounds good to me. To know you are there somewhere always calms me down. May the problems be huge and the situation exhausting – your voice calms me down, your smile comforts me. Talking about all the things that matters in our lives with you is a pleasure of a special kind. But, and most of the time there is a «but», where does my certainty comes from in this relationship? Is it a relationship at all? Or what is it? Does it even matter, what it is?
Sitting here and looking out into the dusk of a bright day I finally allow myself to write to you about it. But – and suddenly I can hear you say … sometimes there is no «but» – I just feel perfectly fine, protected and beeing in good hands. And at the very same moment I miss you. Would like to share it with you. And again at the very same blink of an eye I know that you know it.
Two islands – one with endless valleys, large glaciers and vulcanoes. With wonderful people and a lot of serenity and space to fill with whatever I like. The other one with lots of things to organize, with responsibilities and negotiations, but most of all, and this one is a nice «but», with you on it. You showed me a different island, an island I haven’t seen like this before. An island with many faces, hidden places and a spezial kind of calmness and lightheartedness. The island you live on.
Thank you • Ég þakka yður • ευχαριστώ πάρα πολύ